I know I keep promising a proper Sophie update, and I apologize that it's taken over a month since her vet visit.
.jpg) |
| Proof of life |
She is doing fantastic, likely she had just strained a muscle over her right hindquarter. I feel lucky that out of all the things the vet suspected, this was the one 'easy' answer. So, she's good to go back to work any time now. But! Long story made shorter, I think I've mentioned a few times here that she matured quite a bit smaller than I had hoped and I always feel slightly big on her. With this years saddle fitting challenges and then the lameness that we had to wait weeks to get diagnosed, I went to place where I was sure the problem was myself/my weight and I kind of spiraled into a bad place.
.jpg) |
| I bought her sight unseen and so took everyone's word for her size...true story I think the vet filled in what he thought her mature height and weight would be, not the actual. So I was expecting a 14.2hh, 750lb two year old, and instead a 13.1hh, maybe 500lb two year old arrived. |
I've tried writing a proper post on this a million times but it always ends up feeling way too personal to put online, and honestly I am not a role model for body positivity, mental health, etc. I aspire to be, and I have a wonderful support crew in place, but it's simply not me right now. It's not something I feel overly embarrassed about (it's just one of those things that are what they are) but equally it's hard to find the right words to talk about it.
I have considered selling her. I did go shopping for something I'd feel more comfortable on (but did not buy), and eventually just came full circle this spring to keeping the status quo while I take a bit more of a break. It's been a bumpy couple of years riding wise and I'm a little burnt out.
.jpg) |
| looking like she lives in a fancy park with a fountain. The horses can't keep up with the grass so we needed to mow to keep the weeds out, then the neighbours turned on their hay field sprinkler to complete the picture. |
I'm keeping half an eye out for the right sale or lease pony, but with every month that passes I'm that much closer to having not one, but two, cobs of riding age. If nothing else, I have a pretty big balance in the "Future Planning" account.
 |
| Currently busying themselves with non stop shenanigans |
Man I know I'm not in your shoes, but I feel the "it's me and my body" problem. Dee is 15.1, which is exactly what L was. But she's petite and dainty, where as he was a brick shithouse so I never questioned my weight or height on him, and I did the whole sight unseen with Dee, so I heard 15h and thought L, and I got a 900lb 15hh horse instead of the 15.1 1100lb I was used to. I struggle to watch videos and photos of myself riding now. My biggest worry is someone is going to make that nasty comment somewhere. The only way I'm getting through it is telling myself that out there there is some tiny QH being ridden by a 6 foot man doing a reining pattern, and no one questions them so why should they question me. And I just keep trying to get to where I feel comfortable again. Big freaking hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteYour comment feels unexpected, because of course I follow your blog and always think you two are a very well suited pair. So unfortunate that riding can be one of those things where worrying about 'the look' can get a bit ingrained in us, even when it has no scientific or welfare basis. Giant hug right back, I'm sorry this is something that's on your mind.
ReplyDeleteIt has never even occurred to me to think you are too big for Sophie. Honestly, I tend to notice tiny lady riders on ridiculously oversized warmbloods more than adult riders on ponies.You are such a conscientious horse owner that I'm sure you have done the math and it is fine. And what Anna said about those big reining boys on tiny quarter horses. Don't let any other person's potential weird and judgemental thoughts keep you from your dream.
ReplyDeleteThank you! Honestly the numbers can hover around 20% depending on tack and gear and her weight (she's much tinier in person than people think, ideal weight somewhere 775-800lbs), which I think is adding to my insecurities. Logically I know this is a guideline and it's all individual, but yeah, it's definitely my go to thing to blame when anything doesn't feel right.
DeleteBody image is tough and not always rational. I think you look fine on Sophie but you need to be comfortable. Whatever you decide will okay.
ReplyDeleteThank you. It's been a year or two of "I love this pony" vs "I worry about her carrying me" and parsing out whether that's rational or if I'm letting voices that don't deserve to see daylight 'win'. I think you are correct in that there is no right answer (beyond the one where I need to feel comfortable on whatever horse I ride - the setbacks and my reaction to them this year have really highlighted that ).
DeleteYou're not alone! I have similar feelings about my wee pony. She's turned out much smaller than I had anticipated, but at just 3 I'm hoping she has quite a bit of growing left to do (at least out if not up). It's funny though, because as Anna mentioned - a reiner wouldn't think twice about our sizes with our golden girls. The best thing you can do is what feels right in your gut! And if the gut is currently undecided, then there's no harm in waiting.
ReplyDeleteThank you! Your little Moe is absolutely lovely, what a gorgeous mover! Fingers crossed you feel great up there.
DeleteMy little dude is 13.3 hh, and I often think I look huge on him. But he takes up leg, so his small size is not as noticeable when I'm on him. With loaded endurance tack, I am legit at that upper 20% on him. But he is happy to be my partner regardless of distance covered, the back soreness issues we had last year were resolved with a major tack overhaul (I went with high quality treeless saddles so I can make my own adjustments as his body changes - we haven't looked back since), and while in the beginning there were comments at the barn from the people who were used to seeing tiny women on giant warmbloods (I board at a dressage/eventing farm, to put this in perspective...the tiny Paso really stands out!), those stopped once Lu really filled out and showed what a sports pony he is with me on him.
ReplyDeleteIt's common in the Paso community for the horses to be ridden and shown by huge overweight men regardless of how small and fine-boned the horse is. Similar to what you see in some of the Western sports.
FWIW, I have always thought you look great on Sophie. <3
I echo all of the sentiments stated already. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, so I'm sending you all the hugs and confidence boosting that I can. I have never once thought you looked out of place on Sophie, and if she is not uncomfortable carrying you around, I don't think you have a problem on your hands. But as a plus-sized rider, who has legit been forced out of a lesson barn because I was over their rider "weight limit" by about 10lbs - despite them having plenty of horses capable of carrying me with no concerns whatsoever - I totally understand where your self-consciousness and self-doubt come into play. :( And of course, your concern for her health and welfare over your desire to ride more is admirable. We all know you'll do right by her, but don't be too hard on yourself in the process! :) You ladies really do look lovely together! <3
ReplyDeleteI absolutely loved the last place I lessoned at, but riding with mostly teen girls on huge warmbloods really started messing with my head - I felt like a giant all the time, lol. Thank you for your kind comment ❤️
DeleteI'm 5'6" and ride a 14.2 mustang in endurance, so I know exactly the feeling. With all of my tack, we are just below the 20% rule, and I've spent far too much time asking people if I look too big for him. After finishing a 100 mile race together, the stupid voices in my head finally quit, for the most part. My leg may look a little long on him, but if he can come out of 100 miles and be cleared by a vet, I'm probably not going to break him. All this to say the fact that we are thinking about it means we just want to do right by our horses, and that's always a good thing!
ReplyDelete100 miles! That's a huge (and very inspiring) accomplishment. Congrats! I have a good friend who is dipping her toes back into endurance and I'm excited to tag along, it's always interested me.
DeleteBurnout is a bitch. There is absolutely nothing wrong with simply taking a bit of a break and more time to decide. You've had so much going on! A little break to just be and appreciate and enjoy what you have may give you just the space you need to feel more clear on whatever path is best. I'm thinking about you, wishing you some ease and peace, and always cheering you on from across the continent. <3
ReplyDeleteThank you for your beautiful comments ❤️ I feel almost guilty taking a break but equally it feels right and maybe even a little exciting to give myself permission to consider other paths.
Delete