I feel like I'm currently really good at planning, and kind of terrible with the follow through. Continued covid complications, work scheduling issues, and living where I do kind of threw a wrench into many of my plans this spring.
Which is...life. Sh!t happens, and I'm grateful the horses are healthy and happy and could care less whether I do all the things or none of them.
Where I'm dropping the ball is that instead of adapting and continuing to work towards the bigger picture things, I go from super disappointed Plan A was cancelled to treating it like a free pass to not have to do the thing at all. Show dates moved? Fine, lets go trail riding and not even think about having pony on a contact for a couple of weeks. Lessons cancelled? Oh well, I know she said to work on X, but since she won't be here for another month to check in, we'll get to it later.
Which would all be fine if I didn't actually want to go to shows, to be a better rider, to have nicely schooled horses. I frustrate myself because I know what I need to do, but the follow through just isn't there and I allow other (usually easier, but not as important to me) tasks, to take priority. I'm just too busy to put the riding time in every day, after all. Then I come full circle, discouraged that I haven't made the progress I hoped. Which, of course I haven't, I didn't put the time in!
The trigger for this post, and what finally really woke me up to what I'm doing, was a lack of note paper at work.
Rummaging through my desk drawer, I found some old day planners with some blank spots on the pages. Perfect! I've been flipping through and filling in the open pages as needed, saving the trees at the same time. But, these old books kind of work like an old diary too - despite them being 'for work' and full of old project notes, there are a ton of show dates marked off, lessons, entry closing dates, ride plans, etc penciled in. The difference between then and now is huge and made me really take a good look at how I've kind of allowed myself to fade away from anything that feels too challenging or risky or too much like a big commitment or chance to fail. I've been filling my spare time instead with 'safer' things that mean less to me.
What I do have going for me is that I'm aware I'm self sabotaging, and I'm finally seeing how much it's affecting my life. I'm ready to sit down and discuss why that might be and what I can do about it with someone. I'll let you know how it goes.
You can feel it as a reader too, not that I would ever comment on it, and I certainly understand it. I admire what you're able to get done so much given your circumstances up there! I hope the self-reflection gets you to a place where you're happy with what you're accomplishing, whatever that looks like!
ReplyDeleteI hope you can find an event to look forward to, that will also help your motivation! I also spent most of this spring just loafing and trail riding and lost the motivation to blog as well, but now we have some events coming up so I'm trying to get back to a place where I'm more focused and we can make progress.
ReplyDeleteOn the positive side, trail riding has so many benefits for putting on fitness without pounding the legs. Interesting that the realization started with being out of paper, seems like perhaps you already knew and this was the catalyst for making the conscious realization. I hope the sit down discussions get you to the place you want to be with goals and execution of the plan to get there.
ReplyDeleteI'm always pro talking to someone to work through things. Therapy has been really, really helpful for me in more ways than one. If that's the route you take, I hope it helps these feelings!
ReplyDeleteI read a quote recently that said 'Failure isn't what you think it is, Failure is just feedback' and it helped me reframe a couple things in my life, about how I was feeling (not necessarily horse related but job related). It can be really, really, fucking hard to break old behaviors and thought patterns but we just gotta keep trying. Maybe bookmark this post and re-read it from time to time to continue to shake up old modes of coping and working.
ReplyDeleteI definitely feel you here. Not having any show goals or any consistency in getting instruction (mostly due to lack of funds) means that too often I have little incentive to ride, or do something useful with my ride. When I was younger I was very focused, but I was in a weekly lesson program (or two) and showed regularly. Now that that I'm older and have to adult, it's very easy to talk myself out of riding with purpose.
ReplyDeleteDo we need to start some sort of group with goals and some way to hold others accountable if they don't work towards them?
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