If It Helps

In the spirit of Emma's What are we doing about it? post today, here is my small contribution. This might not change anyone's mind, but I'll put it out there anyway, just in case.

Recently, I was discussing how I am a bit of an insomniac and can have quite a bit of trouble sleeping. My husband was tossing out ideas to help and I was like "well you know I think it's because when I was a kid, at night when I was sleeping was when he said he was going to kill me."

Apparently, I tossed that out like it's a perfectly normal thing. Even all these years later.

I did not have a happy childhood. I had an immediate family member with a pretty severe mental illness that resulted in a lot of ups and downs. You really never knew what you were going to get, or even if it was based on an event that actually happened. The bad days were more frequent than the good.

As with all things mental illness at the time, you didn't talk about it. The clues were there for teachers and other adults to see, and looking back it was probably common knowledge. Some tried to intervene but the tools to do something about it were not there.

On the even sadder side, along with the good people trying to help, there are a lot of not so good people out there who are also really good at identifying children who are vulnerable.

The thing I really want to emphasize and think is very important for people to consider is that as a kid I knew I was often unhappy, scared, angry, even suicidal. But if you asked me why, I would have never been able to tell you, because I didn't know what was wrong.

Without any other context, I thought my life was normal. I was sure that my friends with seemingly happy lives were just extra good at hiding things and thought I just needed to be tougher or better to be like them. I thought there was something very wrong with me to be so anxious and unhappy. A direct question asking whether everything was ok at home would have been met with an "It's fine" from me.

It would have never occurred to me that I had any rights, or that I mattered to anyone. I had zero idea about what behaviour in adults was acceptable and what wasn't. I had no clue this wasn't simply my cross to bear for being a bad person. I might have even argued with you if you offered the opinion that things at home weren't safe or acceptable. I truly believed it was all normal.

I was a pretty smart kid in many ways - I managed to look after myself and get honor roll grades throughout school. But still, I DID NOT have the tools or maturity to understand much of what was going on in the adult world or how to deal with it.

I'm not writing this to make anyone feel sorry for me. I AM writing it in the hopes you might consider taking a stronger stance in supporting education and  legislation, (and yes, things like SafeSport) to help provide minors (or really anyone who needs help) with options and rights and positive experiences. Discuss mental illness freely and don't stigmatize it - it is a disease like any other. Consider that sometimes victims might not know they were a victim until well after the fact. Consider that those who said nothing at the time may have simply not had the knowledge, tools, or support to do so.

Lastly, just try to listen and be kind. It matters.

Thank you.