Looking Forward

I know it's New Year's resolution time, and normal people are planning all the fantastic things they're going to accomplish this year, and all the ways they're going to strive to be better versions of themselves.

I'm with you! I've got so many big goals, so many things I want to do, so many ways I want to be a better person. I wrote out a huge list of 2019 equestrian goals earlier this month. Some realistic, some not so much.

But you know what? I'm putting those on the back burner. I've been pushing myself really hard the last few years and have seen a lot of good things come from that. I've also seen a lot of missed goals and disappointment. I'm nowhere near where I'd hoped to be.  I can't bring myself to regret the disappointment though, because I know I brought the best I could bring, and worked as hard as I could. The part that I regret is the parts that weren't fun. The parts that were exhausting and overwhelming. Riding B for months where neither of us were having fun anymore. Most of all the parts where I convinced myself I was a terrible failure of a human for not hitting my goals (and also not appreciating what I have, because why not?) Things got decidedly unfun this past year. It finally came to a head this past month or so, where I basically had no energy left for anything.

The best thing I did for myself this past year? Giving myself permission to just be. To just do whatever it was I felt like doing on the day. Refusing to feel guilty about not allowing myself to be scheduled or committed to doing things I don't want to do. Accepting that sometimes things don't work out quite as I'd hoped, and it's just a thing that happened, and that it's not always my fault or in my control (of course there are things I've learned for next time, but I don't have a time machine to change the past!)

This past month, G and I spent some time in the sun. It was nice just dpending time with him and not having a million things on the schedule. Came home, and I crashed big time. I spent a whole lot of time sleeping. A huge amount of time reading, a bit of time with friends and family. I declined almost all holiday invites, choosing to spend time watching Netflix with the cat, cause that's where I was at on the day.  I think I worked a grand total of three days in the past 6 weeks (I preplanned that part though!) Fitness, diet, regular riding, all daily structure just kind of went out the window.

And you know what?  I feel amazing again. I've been adding hiking back into my days, because I want to and I'm no longer feeling so exhausted. I've been playing with Sophie, because I like spending time with her. I'm even looking forward to going back to work, because I have some fun projects planned. I'm accepting that I don't find B overly fun to ride at this point in my life, and that it's not the end of the world.

We took B hiking the other day. She's such a star :)

I'm starting to really wrap my head around a future where maybe Bridget is on a part lease, and I don't panic about buying or leasing so I can compete and take lessons right this instant. It's OK to stretch my riding goals timeline out a few years. I'm lucky to have Sophie, and the ability to keep Bridget, not to mention a great support network with horses I can ride if I want to.

So, my New Year's resolution for 2019? To enjoy the moment, to resist the urge to make checklists and schedules and to do lists every day. To be more forgiving of myself, to try not to compare myself with others or try to meet anyone's expectations beyond my own. I have a funny feeling that if I can even attempt part of these, I'll be a happier, stronger person. And then maybe I will be closer to bringing my real best me to the table and can start thinking harder on all the more typical career, riding, and fitness goals again.

 I think it's important to remind ourselves to take time outs, to have fun, to put yourself first sometimes without feeling guilty. Just because you should do something doesn't mean you have to!