Being Kinder To Myself: Update

I think I've alluded to the fact that my work schedule and commute has been a bit hard on me the last few months. I've also mentioned that there's varying amounts of barn/horse community drama at home and I was feeling really adrift as far as goals and having a support network.

Fortune telling the future not so much my thing, I'd prefer set goals and benchmarks.

Tired from work and travel + feeling a little like you're not welcome in the horse community that would normally be your escape? That's tough. I'm pretty strong and independent, but it's hard to stay positive and motivated consistently when you're in that head space. Add in the feeling that Bridget was kind of at her limits dressage generosity wise, and my goals just kind of fell apart. And...I'm the sort of person who needs to be making and progressing towards those goals. Without them, I'm very good at focusing on all the 'bad' things and my weaknesses that are stopping me from getting where I want to be. Of course, it's inevitable that once you start judging yourself and your life like that, you start believing it, and it's hard to dig your way back out to a more positive outlook.

I wouldn't say I'm 100% back yet. I made some dumb decisions as far as being kind to myself and pretty much stopped eating well or working out. I was riding far less than my norm, too. All things that normally I enjoy doing, but hey, even a bit of depression is no joke as far as making the fun things not so fun anymore. I'm great at self sabotaging when I'm unhappy, so I've created a little bit more work for myself in that I need to lose that extra weight gained by eating my feelings for an entire winter/spring and need to build up a good base of fitness again.

But, I'm getting there.

I've been either riding, hiking, jogging, or doing (no so elegant) yoga every day for a month now. I'm letting my mood (and the weather) dictate the activity - the main thing is that at least one of the things happens each day. I have a healthy breakfast and lunch, but eat whatever I want (within reason) for dinner. Small steps.

This photo has no relevance, really, beyond that this is my current spirit animal ;)

I'm embracing the belief that what you feed your brain is what it becomes, so if the TV is on, it's tuned to travel shows, healthy cooking, or fitness/lifestyle stuff, maybe some positive equestrian vlogs. The negative people in my life have limited access to me and I have boundaries. Again, something I used to consistently do without thinking too much about it. I'm not trying to keep my head down or make peace at the barn anymore and very much go about my own business with a smile on my face.

Plus, B is looking fantastic right now, hard not to smile about that!

I'm back taking regular lessons with EC when I'm away at work. It makes for a too busy schedule on certain days, but it also means I have a support network and help setting reasonable goals with my riding and fitness. All things that are very important to me!

Even one ride a week with EC and Audrey and I feel my goals getting a lot closer!

All in all, I'm feeling a lot more like 'me' again.

In the vein of having some fun, I'll be away week or so. I'm headed out early tomorrow with EC's barn for a long weekend of horse trials and hopefully some lake time and some wine tasting too. I couldn't get myself energized or organized enough to move Bridget back to EC's in time to bring her (also, it's an extra $250 to bring the trailer on the ferry that separates my home from her barn!), but I think it's actually going to be more fun to help out and do all the things without the pressure of quickly finding more of my lost positive mindset that I need to have to be competing happily and stress free.

Remember "baby" Q Mare I used to hack out Wednesdays? She's going Training level this weekend and I'm pumped to be there!