Believe

Today was a hard day for me. The whole working from home thing experienced some tech issues last week, so there was a lot of pressure to fix things and catch up on projects today. Then we had some last minute "scheduling issues" meaning my schedule is already changed and I am here 4 days this week instead of the planned 3. One more day off won't  hurt the Bridget pony, right? There are also rumblings from some at work that things weren't properly approved higher up and I should not be "allowed" to work from home part time at all. Gotta love corporate structure. Then, as I left for the night, I got a sort of dismissive email response regarding the job I applied for in my hometown. So, I'm feeling pretty down and out. I try my best at everything I do and I don't like feeling that my best is not good enough.

B cares not what anyone thinks or how much work there is to do...I need to follow her example!

Of course, this being a horse blog, the above does tie in to tonight's story, I promise.

My lesson tonight was on Audrey, and was the circle of death revisited. While we warmed up, EC and I discussed my wish to just be able to live like a normal person: work, ride my horse, have dinner with my husband, you know, living in the same town and stuff. I mentioned needing to be patient in hopes I can make it work with my current job, but also wishing for a Plan B, just in case I reach the breaking point. EC has been encouraging me to re-consider doing the horsey thing full time for quite a while, and re-voiced her opinion that I'd be good at coaching at that she'd happily mentor me - there's a huge gap/opportunity in my home town for lessons and boarding and it's close enough geographically that we could work together a bit.

She's a pretty awesome human, because right then I went from being really discouraged to feeling good about life. I'm not sure horses as a job is a direction I need to explore, or even if it really would be something I'd be good at, but some days you really just need to know someone out there believes in you!

Ohhh, you said to teach the barn rats to ride, not the barn cats.

Then, of course, I rode like sh!t. Like epically bad, maybe the worst ever in my life. And pony took full advantage. And rather than fixing it, I went right back to "I can' t do anything right, why do I even try...oh my goodness what is wrong with me....blah blah blah...maybe just being in a fetal position and not actually steering is the answer? No? Then obviously I am out of options and useless at this..." :)

I wanted to cry. Instead, I did my best to let it go, and listen to EC's advice. I sucked it up, disciplined the naughty pony, owned that circle of death,  and then tried to make it look good. Mostly, I think I just needed to get out of my head and actually believe I could ride Audrey through whatever was coming, because once I got it, it was easy.

Cantering 4 poles on the ground wasn't really the goal of the lesson. But, mentally that's where I was at today, so when I found that small success, that's where I opted to finish. I'm embarrassed that I kind of fell to pieces today, but grateful for all those (like my coach) that believe I can, even as I fail miserably!

Thank you to all the coaches out there who are helping their students with a lot more than simply teaching the mechanics of riding. I know mine earned her money tonight!

Tomorrow's another day...onwards and upwards, right?